The Pantagraph from Bloomington, Illinois • Page 15

Travel Leisure o) o) Sunday, March 11, 2001 The Pantagraph www.pantagraph.com ft This time, music failed to soothe the savage beast It is a chilling question that we have all asked ourselves: What would we do if, God forbid, we had to get a squirrel out of a piano? This very question confronted an animal-control officer in Fairfax County, recently, according to a news report from the Dec. 21 issue of The Washington Post sent in 1 4. 9 i Dave I I Barry by roughly two million alert readers. According to this report, the officer was responding to a report of "a squirrel running IS" i I mum. 0., inside a residence." When the officer arrived, the squirrel "jumped into an open baby grand piano." Fortunately, the officer had the training, the courage, and above all the musical talent to deal with the situation.

To quote from the Post report, which I am not making up: "After the officer started playing the song All I Want' by the group Toad the Wet Sprocket, the squirrel jumped out of the piano and onto curtains, damaging them." The report says that the squirrel then jumped onto the officer's head, and then onto a couch, where the officer was able to apprehend it and release it unharmed. So everything turned out OK, which is very fortunate. I mean, what if, in the heat of the moment, the officer had played the wrong tune? What if he had played "Copacabana," by Barry Manilow? The squirrel probably would have ripped his throat out. I know I would have. it i mm Imfffltffltimiimiff- mm AP A bagpiper marched through the snow for the annual St.

Patrick's Day parade in New York last March. New York City's annual parade features more than 400 organizations, 165,000 marchers and 400 bands, including 50 bagpipe bands. 'the 9, ft Spreading 4 A' Saint's alive! Cities across America eagerly adopt Patrick as patron saint of tourism vmmm wia 1,1. -r The Chicago River is tinted green in Chicago each St. Patrick's Day.

By Associated Press In cities across the United States, the "Wearing O' The Green" is also a time for the spending o' the green. And that has tourism promoters singing hymns of praise to St. Patrick. "Americans' ardor for everything Irish means that many cities especially those that aren't the typical collegiate Spring Break hot spots have found a unique opportunity to attract visitors with festive St. Patrick's Day celebrations and bargain-priced lodging throughout the month of March," says Chris DeSessa, a professor of travel tourism management at Johnson Wales University "The Irish, who were the great stone masons of the age, arrived in Newport in the early 1800s to build Fort Adams," he says.

"The second wave came some 90 years later during the Gilded Age, to build Newport's famous seaside mansions. Many of the Irish heritage events we market to visitors today are still very much this community's homegrown celebrations." From Boston's fabled celebrations to the crowds that throng Savannah, San Antonio, Texas, and Kansas City, there's nary an American city that isn't offering a bit of the Luck O' the Irish in March. in Providence, R.I. "Take Newport, R. I.

for example. St. Patrick's Day falls right smack in the middle of the value season. Add to that Newport's rich Irish heritage and a schedule of down-home Irish celebrations that are as much fun for visitors as they are for locals, and you have a natural tourism draw." Evan Smith, vice president of tourism marketing for the Newport County Convention Visitors Bureau, says Newport's significant Irish community is proud of its heritage and enjoys sharing it with visitors. BOSTON KANSAS CITY, Mo.

CHICAGO Four out of every 10 Bostonians claim Irish heritage, so it's no wonder that the city has dubbed March the "Month of St. Patrick." On March 17, some 600,000 visitors and 20,000 marchers are expected for the city's 100th annual St. Patrick's Day Parade. Other significant celebrations include the annual St. Patrick's Day Celebration and Best Irish Coffee Contest at Boston City Hall and The Chieftains in Concert at Boston Symphony Hall.

MORE INFORMATION: Call toll-free, 1(800) SEE-BOSTON or visit the Web site http:www.BostonUSA.com. Just about anyone who owns a television set knows that Chicagoans tint the Chicago River green in celebration of St. Patrick's Day. From March 16 to 18, the Windy City's pubs resound with celebrations of traditional music and food. MORE INFORMATION: Call 1(800) 2CONNECT or visit http:www.cityofchicago.orgtourism.

On March 17, Kansas City hosts the third largest St. Patrick's Day Parade in the United States. The Lake of the Ozarks, in central Missouri, is the locale for the St. Pat's Day Water Parade and the annual Leprechaun Leap. MORE INFORMATION: Contact the Missouri Division of Tourism, 1 (800) 865-8285 or visit www.missouritourism.org.

In an effort to learn more about this incident, I made a tax-deductible long-distance phone call to the Fairfax County Police Department and spoke with spokesperson Sophia Grinnan. I asked her if the officer's tactics were based on those used by the U.S. Army during its 1990 invasion of Panama, when our troops played loud rap and heavy-metal music in an effort to dislodge outlaw dictator Manuel Noriega, who had taken refuge inside a piano. Officer Grinnan told me that she did not believe there was a connection. She said that the officer, whose name is Andrew Sanderson, had simply made a spur-of-the-moment decision to play "All I Want" on the piano containing the squirrel.

"He's musically inclined," said Grinnan, adding, "I mean the officer, not the squirrel." In any event, for now the situation in Fairfax Couhty appears to be under control. But that does not Jnean that we can afford to be sanguine. For one thing, we have no idea what "sanguine" means. For another thing, there have been several other alarming recent incidents of wildlife running amok: INCIDENT ONE: According to an Associated Press report sent in by alert reader Joel Kupecz, during a rush hour in Syracuse, N.Y., an apparently rabid beaver, foaming at the mouth and "rumored to be twice as large as normal," was "rearing on its hind legs and running and snapping at cars." A police officer was forced to shoot the beaver. (Apparently there was no piano available.) INCIDENT TWO: According to an Associated Press report from Jarratt, sent in by many alert readers, motorists on Interstate 95 were attacked by fruit-throwing monkeys.

A police officer, responding to motorist complaints, observed "three brown monkeys in an oak tree, thrdwing crab apples." The monkeys, which polite believe may have escaped from a circus, then jled on foot. They apparently are still at large, possibly working in the field of Customer Service. INCIDENT THREE: This is an alarming report froiti the Al-Riyadh newspaper sent in by alert pension actuary Bob Lebenson, concerning some irate baboons in Saudi Arabia. What happened, according to Al-Riyadh, was this: A motorist driving on a mountain road ran over a baboon and killed it. So the other members of the deceased babbon's squadron waited in that same spot for THREE DAYS.

When the motorist returned, one of the baboons screeched out a command, and all thelaboons threw stones at the car, breaking the windshield before the driver escaped. It was clearly a revenge hit. Baboon Sopranos! These last two incidents are particularly disturbing, because they are not random loner attacks by fugitive squirrels or clearly disturbed beavers. Instead, they involve organized hostile wildlife displaying far more intelligence and planning ability than, for example, the U.S. House of Representatives.

Should we, as humans, be concerned about this? Should we take action? Can we, at the very least, agree that "Fugitive Squirrel and the Clearly Disturbed Beavers" is a better name for a rock band than "Toad the Wet Think about it! Personally, I am sanguine. Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami-Herald, His column is distributed by Knighl-Ridder New spapers. NEWPORT, R.I. The 24th annual Newport Irish Heritage Month celebrates this seaside New England city's 200-year history of Irish culture. Events include the Kinsale, Ireland, Festival of Fine Food, the 25th Annual Parade in Honor of St.

Patrick, and celebrations and corned beef-and-cabbage dinners at local restaurants and pubs. Lodging prices in Newport in March also are the lowest of the year. MORE INFORMATION: Contact the Newport County Convention Visitors Bureau, 1 (800) 326-6030 or visit the Web site: http:www.GoNewport.com. NEW YORK The oldest and largest in the United States (1792), New York City's St. Patrick's Day Parade features more than 400 organizations, 165,000 marchers and 400 bands, including 50 bagpipe bands.

The parade steps off at 1 1 a.m. March 17 at 44th Street and Fifth Avenue, and heads up Fifth Avenue to 86th Street. MORE INFORMATION: Visit the Big Apple visitor Web site: http:www.nycvisit.com, or call 1 (800) NYC-VISIT. )v 1 SAN ANTONIO, Texas SAVANNAH, Ga. Leprechauns meet the frontier at this city's 11th Annual Alamo Irish Festival, slated for March 16 to 18.

The Dyeing O'The River Green Parade and Irish Show transforms the fabled River Walk into a miniature "River Shannon." Activities include live music, food and beverage booths, arts and crafts, cultural displays, singing and dancing. A solemn wreath laying ceremony at the Alamo Shrine honors the Irish who defended the Alamo alongside the Americans. MORE INFORMATION: Call the Harp and Shamrock Society of Texas, 1 (210) 497-8435. Web site: http:www.sanantoniocvb.com. Savannah's celebrations of St.

Patrick's Day and Irish heritage date to 1813 with the formation of the Hibernian Society, the oldest Irish society in the United States. The annual parade, scheduled for March 1 7, is the second largest in the country, after New York City. The three-day St. Patrick's Day Festival on the River, March 16 to 18, is expected to draw 300,000 to 500,000 revelers. Activities include live music and entertainment, food and drink, shopping and children's activities.

MORE INFORMATION: Call 1 (877) SAVANNAH or visit one of these Web sites: http:www.savannah-visit.com, http:www.savannahirish.org, or http:stpats.savannahnow.com. i i.